Saturday, December 11, 2010

weather report


*** Traffic snarls an aptly named Payne Avenue ***

Saturday, December 11, 2010
Dateline: St. Paul, Minnesota

Blizzard conditions struck at the heart of the most boring city in America today as thousands were stranded in their homes by blowing snow and sub-zero wind chills, left to enjoy family dysfunctions and frozen, leftover turkey ala-king.

*** An impressionistic scene greeted St. Paulites - maybe DaDa ***

On the city's East Side, a once solid working class neighborhood gone to seed, home to many at-risk residents from such diverse backgrounds as Thai refugee camps, the bullet riddled streets of Mogadishu, the 'Rust Belt's' depleted cities from Chicago to Cinncinati, or gentrified local neighborhoods from Selby-Dale to Frogtown, many braved the adverse conditions to go out for a pack of cigarettes, a gallon of milk, or a 40 ounce of Pigs-Eye beer.

*** A stalwart performs Minnesotan Tai-Chi ***

"I only have a block to go", stated a woman stuck on a major thoroughfare. Dressed in a slinky spring outfit, she was apalled to find her 1986 sub-compact was unable to traverse hip-deep drifts.

*** an early casualty of the storm ***

"Why did that guy stop?" asked a man who stopped in front of another, who had to stop in front of another, who was stopped in front of another, and so on. Momentum seemed key to vehicular movement. "It's the blind leading the blind," quipped an old timer from the safe vantage of his crumbling porch. "What a cluster f**k!" he cackled. Slogging through the accumulated snow on foot or by sled dog team had quickly become the only means of travel.

*** a local wag defies S.A.D. ***

Snow accumulations are expected to reach 16 to 20 inches by midnight. Tomorrow, forecasts are for temperatures near -4 degrees fahrenheit with windchills below -40.

*** wearing multiple layers, a woman noted, "I have to pee!" ***

;;; play it loud