Bristlecone
bristlecone pines,
they straddle two dimensions
- mountain wind
... gendai
opening the stone,
a sapling sprung forth
... shasei
a red wheelbarrow
leans against the fence,
its tyre deflating
... cultural: literature
how many tassels has
a cardinal's galero?
... cultural: religion
la bella luna
shares a doorway
with the mourning dove
... cultural: music
planting daisies
how pale my hands!
... shasei
disturbed
beneath the wrack and mire,
turtles all the way down
... gendai
only Poseidon’s trident
was found washed ashore
... cultural: art
so auspicious!
her three-faced Buddha
recovered from the storm
... shasei
in the eyes of a stranger
an old lover's gaze
... shasei
at first I laugh
and then I cry
watching the city lights
... cultural: film
from the executive suite -
tents in Zucotti
... cultural: politics
pigeons in pinstripes
scatting across
the canvas squares
... gendai
does it shine, also
on the Sea of Tranquility?
... cultural: music
a Psychic sign
in the palm reader's window
only half-lit
... cultural: religion
the station agent
fresh out of tickets to sell
... cultural: film
high up above
an Escher-like grid
of powerlines
... cultural: art
a radio voice
talks about the blue jay sky
... cultural: politics
crackle, crackle . . .
a rumpless hen's eggs sizzle
away the day
... shasei
the scent of cilantro
from my old umbrella
... gendai
inside the volume
of Van Gogh's letters,
one pressed flower
... cultural: literature
we vow to meet again
to view the meteor display
... shasei
willie, willie, sandra, vida, pat, sandra, willie, vida, p.a., pat, vida, pat, barbara, sandra, pat, willie, ashley, pat, barbara, vida, sandra, vida
Categories of Topics
(4x) - gendai
(6x) - shasei
(2x) - literature
(2x) - art
(2x) - religion
(2x) - music
(2x) - politics
(2x) - film
;;;
Opening verse submissions - degachi (competitive) for most suitable stanza.
ReplyDeleteAs the lead verses have a "gendai" flavor, as well as seasonless, I wonder if a "new" style renku might be in order? For example:
verse allocation of topics for a "new" triparshva -
(5) gendai
(5) shasei
(12) cultural
- - film; religion; art; politics; literature; music
Anyone interested?
Looking for a "people" verse, to offset our lead in of "scenery" verses.
ReplyDeleteone century ago
ReplyDeletearriving on a far isle,
another family branch
# 4 - Daisan
ReplyDeleteAh, yes, there we are; our first submission - would you mind adding a topic reference to your submissions, please? For example:
hidden beneath
his tattered cloak,
a book of rogeku**
... cultural:lit.
Note wakiku has an ambiguity of label - well, it could be argued that all three apply. I'll maintain this slippery slope, at least until we progress a little further, hoping we might intersperse topics so they don't (often) occur in tandem. I'll not hold fast to this guideline, choosing quality of verse over topic selection as necessary. I would encourage discussion among all participants of the merits of each verse, also. For that matter, feel free to critique the first two stanzas. In light of these points, please remain patient. Some invited guests may be finishing prior commitments before joining in.
Also, don't feel limited to one submission per stanza. Three is a good working number, especially to add variety to the submissions.
As these threads can be extremely long on ocassion, I'll try to remember to number each comment for ease of reference later.
I should note also that topic structure will be adjusted to :
(4) gendai
(6) shasei
(12) cultural
- - film; religion; art; politics; literature; music
We might choose to adjust our cultural references downward if we are in danger of becoming too stuffy, or pretentious. It was mentioned that we don't want our renku to sound like something culled from a medieval era, though I suspect we'll be alright in that regard.
This should be an interesting exercise, since this is the first "new" style renku attempted of this length, using the traditional movements of Jo, Ha, and Kyu.
** rogeku: "vulgar" verse, or haikai, around the 16th century, Japan - a response to the literary pretention of the elite class, who wrote renga in the preceding centuries with mostly intertextual reference to a staid "classic" canon of literature, and using repetitive, unimaginative word association as a linking device in many cases.
hi, bandit
ReplyDeletei am new to writing renku, so it will be interesting watching this effort unfold. right now i am a bit dumbfounded, but will jump in when 'something' arrives that seems to fit.
# 6
ReplyDeleteThat's usually how I operate, Pat. The dumb-founded part, especially.
Don't be afraid to comment. I often stick my foot in my mouth - my profile on this page will ascertain that.
For our first "side", Jo, we'll attempt to enter quietly, avoiding verses about war, disease, travel, proper names, religion . . . conflict, in general.
bristlecone pines
ReplyDeleteI thought it a correction
nope nadda
Hello Willie,
ReplyDeleteI'd like to have a go, but promise little, things been a bit hectic.
bristlecone pines,
they straddle two dimensions
- mountain wind
opening the stone
a tree springs forth
the oldest of stories,
she reads aloud
from her Kindle
cultural/current affairs
a red wheelbarrow
leans against the fence,
almost overgrown
cultural: literary
waking exhausted
from my dreams,
slowly I breathe
shasei
Good luck with this venture!
- Sandra
campfire stories --
ReplyDeletemillions of years old
the stars still here
cultural (?)
hey, bandit
donno...just taking a leap :-)
# 10 - Daisan
ReplyDeleteHello, PA. Once again, your presence (and story of the pines) has inspired art. Another collaboration!
Sandra, not to worry; a few other late arrivals yet to come from prior commitments.
Good on ya, Pat! Just took a leap myself today. However else do we advance?
My topic was genealogical.
ReplyDelete# 12 - Daisan
ReplyDeleteYippie yi yo ki yay!
Alright, alright, time to round up those wayward little doggies!
(my Brit friends love when I talk like that)
It seems I've confused our particpants some - that works well in a poker game, but not in leading haikai-no-renga - by being wishie washie in labeling wakiku, our second verse, accurately. I've listed our categories of topic on the main page. No harm done. Indeed, we'd discussed other topic choices of tradition, current events, and heaven knows what else. However, for the time being at least, lets stick with an outline as follows:
(4x) - gendai
(6x) - shasei
(2x) - literature
(2x) - art
(2x) - religion
(2x) - music
(2x) - politics
(2x) - film
Tito, you're a hard guy to rope in. Time to come in off the mountain and join us in the corral, pahd'ner! We'll sing songs around the campfire, maybe enjoy this dawn I'm watching from the fence rail right now . . . I'd better jingle-jangle my spurs and wander on over and put my brand on that second verse right now. Yee haw!
# 13
ReplyDeletebristlecone pines,
they straddle two dimensions
- mountain wind
... gendai
opening the stone
a tree springs forth
... cultural:literature
one century ago
arriving on a far isle,
another family branch / Tito
a red wheelbarrow
leans against the fence,
almost overgrown / Sandra
campfire stories --
millions of years old
the stars still here / Pat
Thanks for these fine offers. Please allow me to comment.
Tito has offered a a reminiscence of memory, passed down through generations, a journey literal and symbolic. I wonder though, does this spoken history extend to a reoccurence, or echo, to the last but one's ancient pine? I feel it somehow. Some might take issue with syllable count and length of the verse in relation of ebb and flow of the entire piece, though T is reknowned for the power of his prose. Here he includes a deft association to a family "tree".
Pat's offered a beautiful scene of shining stars panning close to a the warmth of a campfire, an immediately human element introduced, and a contemplation of the origin of the heavens. I'm still nagged by that one reservation; does this somehow "recall" the agedness of the pine on the mountain - is there some thematic element come to play? A question of the "cut", or kireji, in the verse arises, though the two objects are juxtaposed in a way that proceeds logically and with sense to make it a unified statement. As for straying from our elected topics, as per my jokes in the last comment - poor ones at that - its not a restraint that's insurmountable. I'll show why in a minute.
Sandra's literary offer moves the scene quietly away, showing us a comparison of agedness and wear, introducing a mystery of humanity, a cast off object, perhaps abandoned, invoking a question of whatever happened here, creating some tension and anticipation for the next verse. I'm afraid though I'm not familiar with what literature this refers to, yet its common knowledge I'm notoriously unread. Perhaps she'll enlighten me. Which leads me round to our issue of topics.
Our wakiku, with its ambiguity of label, can be taken as oblique reference to a certain Japanese novel, though its obvious to me its not one so familiar. Therefore, I'l take poetic license and change its topic to shasei. Killing two birds with one stone (no pun intended) we might avoid two similar topics in unision. Hasn't anyone seen trees grow from rocky shale? I have, and the picture is befitting of the austere geography of the bristlecone pine, making hokku and wakiku as one.
I'll play my cards close to the vest (visions of cowboys in a saloon? Aaagh!) and choose Sandras's verse for daisan.
Very nice offers from all. We continue in competitive style for submissions.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHello Willie,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the thumbs up on this one, and for your interesting analysis of each candidate.
My ku refers to the 1923 William Carlos Williams poem:
so much depends
upon
a red wheel
barrow
glazed with rain
water
beside the white
chickens.
A poem often referred to as haiku-like.
It was on the tip of my tongue - but some how I couldn't remember from where.
ReplyDeleteAt this point another cultural reference might best suit further movement forward, excluding religion, and avoiding surrealist overtones.
Would love to join in - I'm at work right now but will check back later, very cool!
ReplyDeleteJust one for now
ReplyDeletesheets of sound
impossible to hum along
cult: music
I want to come back to try again, hopefully I make it in time!
downtown deli--
ReplyDeletethe sunlit graffiti flowers
not for sale
art/culture
rewrite--
ReplyDeletedowntown deli --
sunlit graffiti flowers
not for sale
Hi :) Is it too early for religion?
ReplyDeletebristlecone pines,
they straddle two dimensions
- mountain wind
opening the stone
a tree springs forth
a red wheelbarrow
leans against the fence,
almost overgrown
how many tassels has
a cardinal's galero?
# 22 - Tsukeku / 4
ReplyDeleteHere are our offers for Wed., Nov 22.
sheets of sound
impossible to hum along
cult: music / Ashley
downtown deli--
the sunlit graffiti flowers
not for sale
art/culture / Pat
how many tassels has
a cardinal's galero?
... cult:religion / /Vida
If you're so inclined, I'd like hear your comments or further offers. I'll return in the morning.
# 23 - tsekeku / 5
ReplyDeleteWitness this - I have been converted.
This is too lovely a piece of linking to pass up, Vida. It seems to answer the question of the wheelbarrow with a churlish, "Does it matter?" Your interpretation of a response to Daisan is superb, carrying a mood lying just beneath the surface. I enjoy the implied edginess, even this early in the preface, since it employs the lightest touch in its inference - "karumi".
bristlecone pines,
they straddle two dimensions
- mountain wind
... gendai
opening the stone
a tree springs forth
... shasei
a red wheelbarrow
leans against the fence,
almost overgrown
... cult:literature
how many tassels has
a cardinal's galero?
... cult:religion
We continue degachi - typically, a moon position would be next.
I am happy you liked the verse, Willie. Didn't want to convert anybody, though :))
ReplyDeleteThinking about the moon.
Yeah, I like that choice indeed!
ReplyDelete# 26 tsuki no ku / 5
ReplyDeleteHere's an offer from me:
a red wheelbarrow
leans against the fence,
almost overgrown
... cult:literature
how many tassels has
a cardinal's galero?
... cult:religion
in between
the moon and earth
asteroids and space debris
... shasei
Looking forward to more offers from you.
bella luna
ReplyDeletesharing the doorway
with a pigeon
# 28 Tsuki no ku / 5
ReplyDeleteUncertain what to label your offer, Pat? La Bella Luna- from the opera "La Bohème". That's my take on it, anyway.
la bella luna
sharing the doorway
with a pigeon
... cult: music
What do you think?
# 29 tsuki no ku / 5
ReplyDeletea red wheelbarrow
leans against the fence,
almost overgrown
... cult:literature
how many tassels has
a cardinal's galero?
... cult:religion
in between
the moon and earth
asteroids and space debris
... shasei / willie
la bella luna
sharing the doorway
with a pigeon
... cult: music / pat
A long, busy week nearly past. Another Thanksgiving holiday rolled around the calendar (US), journals to be put to bed before publishing, the seasons' inexhorable advance to their equinox; cycles of life in every form overtake us, moments at once connected and disparate, moving and changing with every heartbeat. Much like our renku in progress.
"Asteroids and space debris"; certainly, a disparate link that. Has my true inner-heathen been revealed? I find this response a bit sassy beneath its innocently cosmic appeal. Mocking, almost, of a belief shared by millions, no, billions across the globe. I've forgotten the exact demographics from that Human Geography class I belatedly dropped, but I know I'm close, give or take a million or three. O' such flippancy! Which is the reason I'll drop this verse from consideration so as not to draw undue attention to our previous topic placed somewhat tenuously in our preface. Let's break some rules, but one at a time, please. What was I thinking?
On the other hand, Pat's verse really clicks with me - but there are more rules to comprehend. Kannonbirakai can be defined as surrounding a verse of one theme with two that share a different theme. In this case, we have two surrounding verses relative to the outdoors. Might we differentiate them still? They might share references to a residence, living things . . . ah, mi amore, but for that lovely, shining moon! The difference is night and day - literally.
I might note another interesting allusion to cards exists. No, not those poker-faced cowboys again. Rather, a scene from "La Boheme" displays a moonlit bridge. According to a certain seer, the scene itself replicates the Taro card for the moon. An underlying association, perhaps, to a pagan belief. Is there also a pigeon card? I don't know, but this humble image juxtaposes the heavens with a lonely bird taken refuge, moving tacitly from the pomp and propriety of religious contemplation. One might wonder of the effect of the former on the latter. Allusions abound, and that's the overall message this new style promotes. And for that reason I will take the liberty to change the object of line 3 to a "mourning dove", a further allusion to the tragic plot of "La Boheme", yet without direct reference to the topic of death.
Pat if this acceptable to you, let us know. You are not obligated in any way to accept this edit, nor are you required to offer any reason for disagreeing if you do.
Our subsequent verse, the last of the side, and, we would hope, will bring closure to the preface while offering opportunity to open Ha, a development and intensification of each new verse in turn.
Assuming we have our moon verse, we will continue degachi, in competitive mode.
goldfish tears
ReplyDeletedrench the fallen leaves
buying a copy of Big Issue
from the homeless man
hi, bandit!
ReplyDeleteas always, i enjoyed your commentary, the way your mind sorts potential readings....
changing the third line to "mourning dove" improves both the content and sound of the ku, thanks for your artful edit.
Cid Corman's words come to mind--
"And, as I have often said, anyone who can improve any poem of mine, by even a comma, is entitled to claim it as his or her own and with my blessing."
la bella luna
ReplyDeletesharing the doorway
with a mourning dove
# 33 tsukeku / 6
ReplyDeleteThanks for accepting the change, Pat. I'd enjoy my comments, too, if I took another turn at proof reading! These long speeches might be better organized in a document than on the fly in the tiny space provided.
A really nice effort on your part.
did you see "Rent" ?
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8iTeDl_Wug
based on "La Boheme"
how many tassels has
ReplyDeletea cardinal's galero?
la bella luna
shares a doorway
with the mourning dove
planting daisies,
how pale my hands!
shasei
well-rotted compost
& the scent of coffee
shasei
yesterday's election hoardings
recycled for kindling
shasei
how many tassels has
ReplyDeletea cardinal's galero?
la bella luna
shares a doorway
with the mourning dove
empty seats around him
after the intermission
outside the theater
two girls kissing
the voice of Darth Vader
sucked into an exhaust vent
# 37 tsuseku / 6
ReplyDeletehow many tassels has
a cardinal's galero?
... cultural: religion
la bella luna
shares a doorway
with the mourning dove
... cultural: music
******
planting daisies,
how pale my hands!
... shasei
buying a copy of Big Issue
from the homeless man
... cultural: literature
the voice of Darth Vader
sucked into an exhaust vent
... cultural: film
I'm chuckling to myself still as I write.
So oblique, I didn't see it 'til just now.
This is a "new" Triparshva;
we proceed to our second page.
Submissions are competitive.
planting daisies,
how pale my hands!
... shasei
la bella luna
ReplyDeleteshares a doorway
with the mourning dove
planting daisies,
how pale my hands!
over a white sunset
we spill a broken
pomegranate
* Loved the daisies after the bella luna!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletethunderclap
ReplyDeleteshe decides to be
happy
religion
# 41 Ha / V 7
ReplyDeletea candidate from me:
la bella luna
shares a doorway
with the mourning dove
... cultural: music
planting daisies,
how pale my hands!
... shasei
***
disturbed
beneath the reflecting pond
turtles all the way down
... cultural: literature
I imagine we could argue endlessly about two animals so closely together?
I like the idea of including water. We didn't have that.
ReplyDelete# 43 Ha / 7
ReplyDeleteThought of that, Vida, but what's a reflecting pool for? Why, to see the sky and moon, of course. I must rethink this in light of recall to uchikoshi, the verse before last. We are adhering to traditional movement to some good effect in this non-traditional topic structure.
# 44 Ha / V 7
ReplyDeletea rewrite candidate from me:
la bella luna
shares a doorway
with the mourning dove
... cultural: music
planting daisies,
how pale my hands!
... shasei
***
disturbed
beneath the muck and mire
turtles all the way down
cultural: literature/religion
I'm still unconvinced . . . I'm thinking of secondary allusions to the poem's different structure itself in relation to old meets new; maybe you can see it. Or not.
'muck and mire' has alliteration, though isn't it a bit "trite"?
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete# 46 ha / 7
ReplyDeleteWe're close in our thinking on allusions beneath the allusions. Ha, not what I meant by turtles, btw. Search "turtles all the way" down, and you'll see what I mean.
Before i decide anything, i should ask what reference your "pomegranates" meant?
Nothing special about the pomegranate. The sunset was really white the other day, right before it got colored, very strange (like those pale hands after planting). So my first thought was about breaking a pomegranate to color it, drop by drop, seed by seed. To make it right again:)) And if you look,the fruit has many fertility and prosperity meanings.
ReplyDeleteBut that would bring us back to the red color. Let's see what's in the mud! And down there, how many turtles down we can see? :))
What does Pat think?
Gonna give it a shot - I've been away from the computer a fair bit of late
ReplyDeletela bella luna
shares a doorway
with the mourning dove
... cultural: music
planting daisies,
how pale my hands!
... shasei
a spiderweb
has cut cell doors
out of the cloud
...gendai (perhaps?)
or even 'into the cloud'
-
her washing-day face
surrounded
by soap-rainbows
-
...shasei (again, perhaps - doesn't feel gendai but that's what I was shooting for)
vida, i agree with you about using the color red again. also the use of the word white so directly after the previous verse. dunno.....
ReplyDeletean interesting & whimsical story about the turtles, willie.
i'm not sure i would be quick to give this idea up.
"a spiderweb
has cut cell doors
into the cloud"
ashleycapes
very nice, ashlelycapes.
# 50 Ha / 7
ReplyDeletela bella luna
shares a doorway
with the mourning dove
... cultural: music
planting daisies,
how pale my hands!
... shasei
****
over a white sunset
we spill a broken
pomegranate
... shasei
thunderclap
she decides to be
happy
cultural: religion
disturbed
beneath the muck and mire
turtles all the way down
cultural: literature/religion
a spiderweb
has cut cell doors
out of the cloud
...gendai
How best to answer Sandra's sudden and intuitive insight?
I thought to reply not with a link relative to content, but rather one of a similar mood or feeling, perhaps touching on the metaphysical questions that may have been aroused over the previous sequence. It seems our co-authors caught the same jist form what had gone before, which only goes to support the ascendency of the spirit of za generated in such a setting as our humble gathering, supporting those who have reported such a unity of mind that have gone before us.
Another important factor is the prosody created over the length of a piece, the harmony of word and metre supplied in a good reading of renku.
Also, we attempt to cobble this "new" topical format into something resembling the classical movement of traditional renku. Pounding a square peg into a round hole? Let us hope not.
Interesting offers from all. After some discussion, on and off the board, an adjustment to at least give the appearance of conforming to traditional rules of uchikoshi, I would choose our "turtles", with the understanding it would provide a broader basis to move forward, though I leave the selection open to discussion still. Please note, as to the ambiguity of final label to topic; several might apply. i hedge my bets for the moment.
To verse 8. We remain competitive.
Thanks, Pat! :)
ReplyDeleteYeah Willie - I like the turtles too - grimy but gentle
Let's see still if any flags go up for warning of uchikoshi no kirai, a return to previous topic in the verse before last. Basically, by choosing this verse pattern and "return" of "living things" so closely, we have broken rules, even if the animals in question are differentiated by one the subject and the other predicate of two opposing sentences.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, its been stated a little rule breaking can be homogenous to moving a poem forward. If one were to distill the essence of the phrase "turtles all the way down", at its heart is the premise of the folly of the use of a regressive logic to unalterably defer the outcome of intelligent debate. Does this allusion somehow supercede any purist objection, and actually provide a useful commentary on the shape of things to come, i.e., our new style, courtesy of the brainstorm of one Mr. Ashley Capes,
or have we created a tempest in a teacup? (If it be the former, a tempest might follow nicely in the progression!) I'd like to hear more of your thoughts on this subject.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletela bella luna
ReplyDeleteshares a doorway
with the mourning dove
... cultural: music
planting daisies,
how pale my hands!
... shasei
disturbed
beneath the muck and mire
(beneath the rack and mire)
turtles all the way down
cultural: literature/religion
Willie,
I think that the dove and the turtles are different enough. One flies, the other swims. One is fast, the other is slow. One if fluffy, the other is hard...
I think the verse is strong and will produce many ideas. And, as I said already, it goes perfectly with Sandra's verse.
It all depends from what follows. Let's see how it goes? If it's really bad, we'll make a step back?
I had three ideas.
in another version
Noah's Ark was not used
(That one would ensemble all leaving things together. :))
or,
only Poseidon’s trident
was found washed ashore
or,
we draw the word
back into the mirror
sorry, it's
ReplyDeletewe draw the world
back into the mirror
#56 ha / 8
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment, Vida. Your argument has convinced me to move on, at least for the fact of your fine candidates to consider.
Let's see if the others are as inspired. Bring your offers on!
the earth floating
ReplyDeletein a sea of stars floating in . . .
whoa Nelly!!!
ReplyDeletethis is one whopper of a thread. OK I was going to agree...bristlcone pines do straddle two worlds. The Owens Valley and Death Valley, which I have never visited, metaphorically or otherwise (I think)
Had our first snow that sticks, yesterday, PA. I'll be yearning for Death Valley or anywhere with bristlecones in due time. Though it's always interesting when nature's cold fury blows through here. Not yet this year . . .
ReplyDeleteplanting daisies
ReplyDeletehow pale my hands!
disturbed
beneath the rack and mire,
turtles all the way down
are we feeling lucky
today, punks, are we?
- cultural: film
choosing a tie
he practises his smile
- cultural: politics
what the eye sees
disappears with a blink
- cultural: film (it's a quote from the old TV series Kung Fu, found on a Kung Fu website)
# 61 ha / 8
ReplyDeleteI've collected our responses thus far here together, though still welcoming other's offers. I've taken the liberty to assign topics as I see fit. I hope by doing so I don't misalign your intentions.
Please add your comments or points of discussion on the merits of our choices!
planting daisies,
how pale my hands!
... shasei
disturbed
beneath the rack and mire,
turtles all the way down
... gendai
****
in another version
Noah's Ark was not used
... religion
only Poseidon’s trident
was found washed ashore
... art
we draw the world
back into the mirror
... gendai
the earth floating
in a sea of stars floating in ...
... gendai
are we feeling lucky
today, punks, are we?
... cultural: film
choosing a tie
he practises his smile
... cultural: politics
what the eye sees
disappears with a blink
... cultural: film
another variation -
ReplyDeletefeeling the earth floating
in a sea of stars floating in . . .
gendai
One vote for Sandra's tie verse !
ReplyDeletebristlecone pines,
ReplyDeletethey straddle two dimensions
- mountain wind
... gendai
opening the stone,
a sapling sprung forth
... shasei
a red wheelbarrow
leans against the fence,
almost overgrown
... cultural: literature
how many tassels has
a cardinal's galero?
... cultural:religion
la bella luna
shares a doorway
with the mourning dove
... cultural: music
planting daisies,
how pale my hands!
... shasei
disturbed
beneath the rack and mire,
turtles all the way down
... gendai
only Poseidon’s trident
was found washed ashore
... art
Thanks for the array of fine offers.
I finally chose Vida's "Poseidon's Trident" for a number of reasons.
It avoids presenting a defined image of "person", in tandem with its maeku, presenting instead the introduction of the ocean for the first time. The image,is performative as a tableu for the interjection of human characters which strengthens the choices of our as yet untouched topics of politics and film. The phrasing itself continues our run of diverse elements of syntax,
and foremost breathes in a subtle air of levity that the section can
effectively mount upon and build on to from there.
We move on to verse 9, accepting all offers!
http://ancienthistory.about.com/od/poseidonmyth/p/Poseidon.htm
Your attention, please.
ReplyDeleteWe'll continue to run our 'new" renku concurrent with our monthly moon viewing party above.
Perhaps we'll garner a moon verse (position 15 or so) from it.
Sandra, would you consider an adjustment to your line 3 of Daisan? We have an abundance of plant life in our first six verses.
ReplyDelete"rusted and askew"
sounds "tinny" - could you muster something with a more "woody" tone?
Sans the chickens? We must set them free!
Hi Willie,
ReplyDeleteI'll see what I can do ...
Meantime, could you trim the comma from after the word "daisies" in that verse of mine. It's unnecessary.
Will try and get back to you soon-ish.
Don't struggle with it. We're just a bit heavy on foliage at the start, which may hinder us later.
ReplyDelete"We've got only one
ReplyDeletething to say:
Klaatu barada nikto."
film, politics
willie,
yr gonna ask me to leave and not come back, right?
:-))
ps i think vida's verse is terrific!
ReplyDeleteI've been trying to remember that phrase for a month now!
ReplyDelete:-)
ReplyDeletefilm - science fiction - The Day the Earth Stood Still.
politics -
The phrase has also been used humorously as is the case when Senator Alan K. Simpson's office used it. The June 7, 1994, edition of the now-defunct supermarket tabloid Weekly World News reported that 12 U.S. Senators were aliens from other planets, including Simpson. Then-Senator Simpson's spokesman Charles Pelkey, when asked about Simpson's galactic origins, told the Associated Press: "We've got only one thing to say: Klaatu barada nikto."
a red wheelbarrow
ReplyDeleteleans against the fence,
beaded with rain
a red wheelbarrow
leans against the fence,
gathering dust
a red wheelbarrow
leans against the fence,
he turns another page
more?
only Poseidon’s trident
ReplyDeletewas found washed ashore
... cultural: art
Hail Mary!
ten times over
and his sins disappear
cultural religion
G'day, Barb - good on yer, girl, and welcome.
ReplyDeleteSandra, here's some thoughts on daisan, L3:
Should we reserve mention of "rain", a "falling" thing, in case of an ensuing offer containing the reference?
Same goes for dust - maybe.
"he turns the page" - second person reference might tidy things up in a traditional sense, regarding "avoidance", though the addition seems somewhat arbitrary as written, and a bit disjointed as a juxtaposition. Just my opinion, meaning no insult, of course.
Back to my own arbitrary addition of "rusted and askew". Might this serve as further allusion to our combination of tradition and "new" topic structure within the poem? Besides,it might be only half "tinny" to the ear, and it retains a five count to the line, which works well as metre.
"Dust" might serve, too, though there are many connotations attributed to "dust", much as there are to "dew", speaking if only to the Buddhist sensibilities, as well as to kigo.
Give it some thought, would you?
# 76 / 9
ReplyDeleteOur story so far ...
disturbed
beneath the rack and mire,
turtles all the way down
... gendai
only Poseidon’s trident
was found washed ashore
... art
***
"We've got only one
thing to say:
Klaatu barada nikto."
... film, politics
Hail Mary!
ten times over
and his sins disappear
... religion
such dumb luck
my three-faced Buddha
recovered from the storm
... shasei
Some marvelously whacky offers!
Pat has offered an interesting take on "The Day The Earth Stood Still", drawing on a political statement in response to a tabloid news story. Barb offers a quick reprieve from Hell and damnation; but what of the overwhelming, crushing guilt of the Irish Catholic tribe? Ha!
The one I really like is the factual story from a new contributor, placed in the moon viewing party post by mistake, actually, that I took the liberty of moving here, with a bit of word change to the verse. I first read the story at her blog, about the recent 100 mph Santa Ana winds in the hills above Los Angeles that literally tore trees and buildings asunder. The author, known mysteriously as PA, short for Pasadena Adjacent, had retrieved some of her "found" art from the yard, and having lost one piece of sculpture, replaced it with a 99 cent store find of a Buddha with three faces, a reference to ancient monastic Pure Land Buddhist beliefs, perhaps a reference to an incarnation of KANNON BODHISATTVA. A lot of those stores goods are manufactured in China, it is said!
The verse is in first-person and closely links to our maeku, continuing the subject of a non-Christian idolatry. A wealth of allusion abounds for continuence of "person" verses.
We continue to verse 10, which typically begins a run of "love' verses, with beginnings and endings of love. I wouldn't want to force the issue, though.
Hearing no objection, Sandra, I'll change that L3 of Daisan, if you're so inclined. We certainly may address it later.
ReplyDeleteok
ReplyDeletehow about this v v v
"hearts of palm - a target found
surrendered form"
under this v v v
how auspicious!
my three-faced Buddha
recovered from the storm
... shasei
I'm still thinking! :)
ReplyDeleteThink away, Sandra - fall back and think away. No rush, no insistence here.
ReplyDeleteGreat, PA! Please consider sentence structure and what category you might most closely pursue.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteonly Poseidon’s trident
ReplyDeletewas found washed ashore
how auspicious!
my three-faced Buddha
recovered from the storm
I laugh, then I cry
watching City Lights
or,
do you remember who played
the bad and the ugly?
:)
# 84 ha / 10
ReplyDeleteJust a note on "love" verses: they usually occur in pairs, or a trio or more, beginning with a call for love and progressing to an end of love. Please regard them as occurring between adults, so sexuality can be mentioned. Avoid reference to children or pets, etc., for obvious reasons.
in the eyes of a stranger
ReplyDeletethe gaze of an old lover
# 86 Ha / 9 & 10
ReplyDeleteonly Poseidon’s trident
was found washed ashore
... cultural: art
how auspicious!
my three-faced Buddha
recovered from the storm
... shasei
eyes of a stranger;
an old lover's gaze
... ???
at first I laugh
and then I cry
watching the City Lights
... film
Despite a brief duration for submissions, although lacking further offers, I've taken the liberty (some might call it totalitarianism) as lead poet, or sabaki, to edit these two offers and present them in sequence for a suggestion of a pair of love poems. The only question may be how to label the first of the pair.
Another transgression may be in the offing, however. Within three verses I've listed "parts of a body" - first hands and then face. I may not have noticed it due to the fact we speak of a sculpture or piece of art in the latter and not actual human physiology. Despite what they say, it's not easy being the king! If we've had no objection we might escape a purist's objection, in much the manner we slid by with a dove to turtles, again, the turtles not a slow-footed race but an abstract idea.
And, in the same verse, I changed the allusion from rack, in one meaning of definition; "extreme stress" to the word wrack, definition, "destruction or ruin".
Why you ask? For sturmunddrang, the storm and stress, mein fraulein. Please don't criticize my German - I'm in enough trouble as it is, and don't wish to return to "muck and mire".
Eeeew! The jury is still out . . .
# 87 / Ha / 12
ReplyDeleteI'll correct this heading yet ...
Here's one from me:
eyes of a stranger;
an old lover's gaze
... ???
at first I laugh
and then I cry
watching the City Lights
... cultural: film
***
86'd out 'a Louie's -
Schlep' and the bowery boys
... film
# 88 / Ha / 12
ReplyDeleteCorrection:
eyes of a stranger;
an old lover's gaze
... ???
at first I laugh
and then I cry
watching the City Lights
... cultural: film
***
86'd out a' Louie's -
Slip and the bowery boys
... film
see what you mean, willie, 'body parts' again.
ReplyDeleteguitar blues
the touch of an old lover
music
hummm, dunno . . .
Eric Clapton - Old Love
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_j9KEjrY4o&feature=related
Willie,
ReplyDeleteI like how
86'd out 'a Louie's -
Schlep' and the bowery boys
follows the City Lights, but, going back,
aren't laughing and lights very close to the image of Buddha? It's probably only me but that's how I got to this verse in the first place :) (I may be wrong though!)
BTW, thanks for the editing, it's way better now.
how auspicious!
my three-faced Buddha
recovered from the storm
... shasei
eyes of a stranger;
an old lover's gaze
... ???
at first I laugh
and then I cry
watching the City Lights
... film
About the body parts, I think the eyes come naturally after the face. And from Poseidon we cannot see anything, he's lost in sea :)
Eyes and face, in tandem, good; hands across two verse avoidance to face . . . OK, I think, but it's close.
ReplyDeleteBuddha falls under its own topic (see renku home)I'm not concerned with light and laughter as recall, but you make a good observation.
I'm more concerned with three first person verses in a row, but, Basho was not so intent on traditional rules in this regard.
So much of the reading relies on the enjoyment and diversity of prosody within. I may make mistakes, in the traditional sense, though this endeavor to combine a "new" topic structure with traditional methods of movement in renku, its separation by folios and page, was a question that was brought to light in discussion after completion of the first 12-tone, single sheet "new" renku at the Issa's Snail blog. How the result of this experiment will be perceived will be of interest to renju everywhere.
# 92 / Ha / 92
ReplyDeleteKindly looking for your offers. A political topic would be swell, if only to use all of our categories at least once. And, there's another rule that may come to play. This, a contemporary notion not to repeat cultural topics in pairs. I don't know if it can be done - that's why I need your help!
Pat, please, tell us- was # 10 shasei? Then the gossip will start . . . `;}
#93 / Ha / 12
ReplyDeleteedit of my correction:
eyes of a stranger,
an old lover's gaze
... shasei (provisional)
at first I laugh
and then I cry
watching the City Lights
... cultural: film
***
86'd out a' Louie's -
boys from the Bowery
... film
86'd - american slang; banned, expelled
as for daisan, we've brought up three alternatives to line 3:
ReplyDeletea red wheelbarrow
leans against the fence,
its tyre flat
its tyre gone flat
its tyre deflating
Does anyone have preferences, and why?
willie,
ReplyDeletewe could say that it is shasei, but i'm not telling ....
perhaps another lifetime, no? another 'auspicious' chance encounter ;-)
I have those all the time. It was only the another night I was pulled over by the police.
ReplyDeletefrom the corner office
ReplyDeleteZuccotti Park’s tents
almost imperceptible
political
just a thought, still wondering & wandering....
ps
ReplyDeletewillie, i appreciate all your notes as i ride my tricycle around 'how to renku'
thanks!
a red wheelbarrow
ReplyDeleteleans against the fence,
its tyre flat
its tyre gone flat
its tyre deflating
The first one. I like the surprise- I see the wheelbarrow, admire it, then I notice the tire. If it's "gone flat" it would be more personal, like I am the owner and one day I find the tire's gone flat. And we don't know if it's deflating unless we check every day. (that last thing I know from experience- I tend to leave our weelbarrow outside :))
Also, the first one sound better for me.
(Now, my English is far from perfect and all the words and phrases sound different in my ear. :))
Sorry, I first commented on the wheelbarrow and then looked, and saw that you already picked a verse. Discard my last comment.
ReplyDelete:))
sorry, Vida, the author came to the conclusion, more or less, though not for the reasons you might suspect. The gerund? form of "deflating" relates to JP structure of daisan, in that it aids the somewhat abrupt "shift" expected in this verse. Some can explain this better, but I just came from a final exam in Eng. Lit. and my brain is still on adrenaline mode. Gerund? Hey, I never claimed to know the labels for grammatical structures.
ReplyDeleteI forgot what else . . . sh*t, oh, yeah, the metre was key. I initially preferred five syllables be retained with 'its tyre gone flat', then agreed on "its tyre flat", despite initial feelings of abruptness to the concluding utterence (realizing AUS and USA inflections probably differ, too, then we both may have become taken with the snappy reapartee of 'its tyre deflating'. I thought of flat in relation to a 'galero' but considered inflating to imply just that. (F**k, I've suddenly losst the ability to spell!) And it's a testament to Sandra's skill to not use a definite article and instead use that . . . preposition whatchamacallit at the lines start.
'Course, the idea was to lose the additional reference to plant life -we have three mentions still in the preface as it now stands. (my fingers have taken on a mind of their own!)
There was another thing, but I can't recall . . . must be the afteraffect of inense focus at the exam. Well, I went to back to school to learn to write more better - I think I;ll gonow and smoke a little beer.
Willie,
ReplyDeleteThank you for the helpful explanation.
It's wonderful that you are going back to school. Enjoy!
:)
# 104 / Ha / 12
ReplyDeleteYes, Vida, but more to becoming B.M.O.C. than I rightly bargained for.
in the eyes of a stranger,
an old lover's gaze
... shasei
at first I laugh
and then I cry
watching the City Lights
... cultural: film
***
from the executive suite
tents in Zucotti
... politics (provisional)
bosses and the upper tens
all decked out in Tweed
... politics
Still looking for (multiple) offers to round out the field. (though I've pulled my film verse and replaced it with another)
I hope you don't mind my suggestion to "fit" your idea to the need, Pat. Please reply as you see fit.
hi, willie
ReplyDeletei see you added 'in the' to 'eyes of a stranger'.
imo, the 'sound' works better with the extra beats. previous it felt chopped or plunked
collaborating is fun, go for it.
"from the executive suite
tents in Zucotti"
this first verse resonates nicely with 'city lights' & i like the way 'tents in Zucotti' hangs in the air.
we can continue to mull it over.
bosses and the upper tens
all decked out in Tweed
my 2 cents . . . . the 'corner office boys' don't wear Tweed. more likely, a sharkskin three piece. :-)))
# 105
ReplyDeleteSharkskin - now there's an interesting fabric. And Sandra is from New Zealand, not Austrailia.
Tweed refers to "boss" Tweed of Tammany Hall infamy in 19th C New York - Manhattan Island. The upper tens were the 10,000 or so rich and elite that hoped Tweed would control the Irish Immigrant working class, by hook or crook, you might say, preserving their hierarchy and control of the city.
History repeats itself.
yet another joker resigns
ReplyDeletefrom the chamber
oh... ha, Boss Tweed, now i get it. good one, willie
ReplyDeletetwo martini lunch
ReplyDeletethe Zucotti problem
# 109 / Ha / 12
ReplyDeleteHave a look at this then:
in the eyes of a stranger,
an old lover's gaze
... shasei
at first I laugh
and then I cry
watching the City Lights
... cultural: film
bosses and the upper tens
all decked out in Tweed
... politics
a two martini lunch;
they discuss
the Zucotti problem
... politics
A possible mock-up of stanzas 12 and 13. Discuss - what you imbibe is up to you.
a two-martini lunch;
ReplyDelete“the Zuccotti problem
can’t last through winter”
the Salvation Army’s
ding-dong bell
bosses and the upper tens
ReplyDeleteall decked out in Tweed
... politics
martini lunch;
“the Zuccotti problem
can’t last through winter”
the Salvation Army’s
ding-dong bell
geez...dunno
Hi all,
ReplyDeleteThe 2 politics verses you've chosen for the next 2 positions are rather peculiar to the US - sorry, but I can't make head nor tail of them and I consider myself reasonably well informed.
Would readers of the final poem be able to "get" what they're on about without explanation? (Which then begs the question, do you care?) Is this a regional poem? Or does it have a wider outlook?
Barbara's suggested:
yet another joker resigns
from the chamber
does speak to me and would have more of a universal appeal.
Just some food for thought.
# 113
ReplyDeleteI wonder then, how well aware is the world of the Occupy protests occurring on both sides of the Atlantic? Have you any such actions to compare where you are Sandra?
The protests seem to have arisen from the Greek financial troubles, wherein the Gov't just kept giving 'til it bankrupted itself, like some vast Ponzi scheme. A problem now relative to all of Europe, and affecting Asian and Oceanic markets as well. You know I'm waiting for next year, when I suspect the dollar sill be rejected as the standard; and then all Hell will break loose here.
# 114
ReplyDeleteAnd, to Barbara's verse, from City to joker's in the chamber seems an illogical link, though I probably am uninformed. I get a picture of the "Batman" movie series and the antagonist "Joker".
Although, as we've heard before, an attractive verse can sometimes override such distinctions. A bit like local seasonal reference may be obscure to some.
sandra's point is worth considering. i did wonder if we were getting heavy handed regarding politics.
ReplyDeletedon't worry, willie, the banks are too big to fail and the politicians who were bought by them will take good care of us. :-)
perhaps barbara, could say a few words about her leap with the joker....
# 115
ReplyDeleteHere's the final four verse sequence from the last new junicho at Issa's SnaiL:
on the wall
a postage stamp from
somewhere coloured pink
graffiti, flowers
icing, bows and Kev
“All are winners
in the Caucus-Race!”
the Dodo says
a scuttle of claws
in the space between reels
And their topic allocations:
#9 – shasei
#10 – gendai
#11 – cult: politics
#12 – cult: film
Great use of language - but are the contents readily distinguishable to all? A verse provided in the new renku prior to that included ref. to an obscure pop culture style of JP film - I'd never heard of it before, but what it added to the poem in general was outstanding.
I'm enjoying this discussion because we bring up very relevant points as to the nature of verse construction in modern renku theory.
# 117
ReplyDeleteSorry for the inaccurate numbering; seems we're cross-posting.
In regards to your mention Of heavy-handedness, Pat, you may be right - it wasn't the flow I quite wanted, bur I was unsure. Could be beacuse we have two similar topics in a row.
"executive suite" may be more suitable due to the identifiably direct contrast between posh and primal digs, though I worried some about three concurrent verses involving eyesite.
i hear you, willie.
ReplyDelete"it wasn't the flow i wanted" ... it felt forced to me. that said, with all this wondering & wondering, words may still come-round-right.
"executive suite" & primal digs, imo, something there -what?
I hope Barbara won't mind if I step in ... I'm online (just about to go off)...
ReplyDeletea "joker" is slang for a bloke and the nuance here, I'm guessing, is that he may also be something like "the joker in the pack". The "chamber" is the debating chamber in parliament.
Another MP/parliamentarian is resigning, either in fact or in attitude.
Umm, this may be a dumb question, but why is there an article with City Lights? Should it be The City Lights?
Sorry, if my point about local politics is distracting, just ignore.
# 120
ReplyDeleteNo, not at all, Sandra. Glad you brought it up. For that matter, your joker and our joker are one and the same! Mostly cruisers and knuckleheads on my street at the moment, however.
I think the movie's name was "City Lights" I might have tacked on the article for length, since we have so close a number of syllables before and aft'. I'm glad you asked of it. I've been considering those length choices of late, weighing the verse's qualities of pause and distinctiveness. Good catch.
# 121 / Ha / 12
ReplyDeletein the eyes of a stranger
an old lover's gaze
... shasei
at first I laugh
and then I cry
watching City Lights
... cultural: film
from the executive suite
tents in Zucotti
... politics
I think we've allowed enough time for responses and discussion. I've decided to go with the 'Zucotti' verse, as it appears it's becoming an iconic reference, much like Wall Street itself, for the worldwide Occupy protest movement, even though some of those are becoming "owned" by unions and outside agitators, exploiting the movement with their separate personal agendas. Snake oil . . .
I feel a verse coming on!
We have a group of verses with human activity, so it might be time to move to a different content. At least we've touched on every topic available to us thus far. Good work, team!
# 122 / Ha / 13
ReplyDeleteone from me:
at first I laugh
and then I cry
watching City Lights
... cultural: film
from the executive suite
tents in Zucotti
... cultural: politics
grunting and hissing
a turkey vulture
feathers its nest
... shasei
g'day all
ReplyDeletethank you Sandra.
offers:
a silver trail crosses
moss-covered rocks
by the school gate
shasei
midnight, as
usual, waiting alone
at the oasis
cult music
# 124
ReplyDeleteKeep the verses coming!
As we are at the height of our intensification stage, gendai would be appropriate (also avoiding gendai in kyu, possibly, to refrain from ambiguity in message). Bold statement is encouraged!
light
ReplyDeleteemitting
diode
blueness
by the end of the bottle
ReplyDeleteI can swear, that squirrel
was gliding upward
Sorry, that isn't gendai.
@ 127
ReplyDeleteneedn't be gendai - I think we could build excitement through any topic.
That's a cool glow, Pat, though we have "light" in the verse before last. No harm done, so have another go!
Woah, I've missed some great moments! Better stay closer to the keyboard for a while ;)
ReplyDeleteHere's two attempts at gendai
at school they say
if you are not laughing
...
-
pigeons dancing
through the armour
of morning
pinstripe details
ReplyDeletesplattered over
the canvas squares
gendai
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletebarbara,
ReplyDeletei like the verse you offered, reminiscent of paintings by agnes martin
sleepwalking
ReplyDeletei finally arrive at
Andromeda
gendai
# 132 / ha / 13
ReplyDeleteForgive my absence, please. A tiff with "the telephone company" all worked out now. Mustn't upset them; they are the power behind the scene, always have been. Just look to the Patriot Act for proof! I'm certainly already on a terrorist list somewhere for supporting an "unfavorable" presidential candidate, so I must watch my p's and q's...
Quickly now, I'll stifle the rant and get on with it:
grunting and hissing
a turkey vulture
feathers its nest
... shasei
a silver trail crosses
moss-covered rocks
by the school gate
shasei
midnight, as
usual, waiting alone
at the oasis
cult music
I've seen Maria Muldaur live in concert at a small outdoor venue - I fell in love with her immediately!
by the end of the bottle
I can swear, that squirrel
was gliding upward
... ??
Shame on you, Vida!
at school they say
if you are not laughing
...
-
pigeons dancing
through the armour
of morning
... gendai
Yes, by all means, Ash, do. This form is your invention after all.
pinstripe details
splattered over
the canvas squares
... gendai
Fascinating . . . so many images come to mind.
sleepwalking
i finally arrive at
Andromeda
... gendai
Far out. Pat, far out!
Some graciously inventive offers. Thank you so much for your passion for the form!
Down to brass tacks, I'd say I was juggling Ashley's pigeons with Barbara's pinstripes; both a logically tenuous link. Some 'distance" involved, as opposed to our previous "close" linking, which is just the ticket I think we need here in the final surging wave to our end of Ha. Concerns over a repeat of birds - we have one in Kyu, though a remarkable distince between, so we might only be accused of lack of imagination. I'd reject that claim, however, in light of the ingenuity of composition. Also, the question of beat and length; Long - short sequence is enhanced when it is made more markedly so. Therefore, I propose this variation for your consideration:
pigeons in pinstripes
scatting across
the canvas squares
... gendai
Please respond with your comments and ideas.
# 134
ReplyDeleteCorrections:
the comment #; a bird in Jo
g'day all
ReplyDeleteThanks Pat.
Willie, I love those pinstriped pigeons!:)This is just great.
Peace and Love
B
Yeah! Me too! I dig it
ReplyDeleteAh, the pleasure of phone companies.
perhaps, one could have
ReplyDeletepinstriped starlings?
just so as to avoid the similarity of a dove and a pigeon
# 138 / Ha / 14
ReplyDeleteMourning dove - pigeon. Believe it or not, I have both that frequent the area. A difference, certainly, though I enjoy most the accidental alliteration created, along with Barb's hard "c" sounds. "scatting" is a bit naughty, but we know sometimes that nice, even so close to Xmas. The whole thing is just enough out of kilter to grab one's attention, I think. As for being understood, mention was made of links and understanding of meaning, and then I found this quote, from someone we know:
"So if there’s enough grace, consonance, whatever, in the way the language is used – if it feels as though it moves despite being obscure, then fine. If not – I’d bin it."
Thanks for the thumbs up on the suggestion - I'll post it now. Good job, kids. I'll leave it as a joint verse, if there are no objections - Ashley/Barbara - I think that's fair.
Well, where the heck are we, anyway? Oh, yes, #14 is up. Could be a moon, if anyone's game.
Let's have at it then!
# 139
ReplyDeleteI've reinserted the definite article in verse # 11; my aim to reclaim the metre.
pigeons in pinstripes
ReplyDeletescatting across
the canvas squares
Love this!
pigeons in pinstripes
ReplyDeletescatting across
the canvas squares
nice mind-meld, willie
from the executive suite
ReplyDeletetents in Zucotti
pigeons in pinstripes
scatting across
the canvas squares
are there storms also
in the Sea of Tranquility?
gendai (I think)
undressing by moonlight
the heat of your skin
shasei
in the corridor
au clair de la lune
shasei (2nd line in italics)
from the executive suite
ReplyDeletetents in Zucotti
pigeons in pinstripes
scatting across
the canvas squares
--
once in a blue moon
the frost slurps a frog
--
zooming in…who is now
behind bars, Moon!
from the executive suite
ReplyDeletetents in Zucotti
pigeons in pinstripes
scatting across
the canvas squares
fifty years and
they put ya on the day shift
music
line two italicized
the same old subterranean
homesick blues
"subterranean homesick blues" /song title /italicize
# 145 / Ha / 14
ReplyDeleteSome momentum building now for the poem; so many offers in such a short time! Will we maintain the drive till the end?
Willie's Choice Hits!
from the executive suite
tents in Zucotti
... cultural: politics
pigeons in pinstripes
scatting across
the canvas squares
... gendai
are there storms also
in the Sea of Tranquility?
... music, literature, ?
once in a blue moon
the frost slurps a frog
... gendai, shasei
fifty years
they put ya on the day shift
... music
Hmmm . . .
A melodious rhythm to Pat's 'fifty years' - I pun you not. Elmore Leonaed wrote a guide for writer's in which he admonished aspiring novelists to not use vernacular slang, calling it a failed device. Then that S.O.B. went and wrote a book with the first chapter dripping with localese of a Texas slacker - sold in the millions. However, I feel an echo here to uchikoshi, a reminder of the "struggle" at Zucotti. Of all the theory put forth by experts, this fault is likely the most accurate of advice to adhere to. Too bad, 'cause I like the "feel" of this verse.
Vida has maybe the most logical of these "distant" linking devices. Another short span of words, offsets the long 'pigeons" well, but it may be a tad(pole) predictable, animal to animal, and we have two or three already, though its not forbidden. I like animal verses, especially when they are as witty as this.
Now Sandra's verse . . . it made me stop and think. it's on the long side, 13 syllables, and four verse avoidance only to our previous 'storm', five to the suggestion of a 'sea'. Despite these small "errors", I still can't shake that dramatic pause, surprising, subtle, eloquent . . . what if we made an adjustment?
does it shine, also
on the Sea of Tranquility?
Punctuation added; Basho used it, too, a reputable source tells me. Why do we fear it so? The moonlight, can it be reflected on its source? solar emanations, the earth a mirror, UFOs, interplanetary intelligence, the meaning of life itself? So many questions, spinning, blurring, stopping to breathe . . .
if i may make so bold as to suggest this edit, i think we may have our verse, a crested wave on the ripples created thus far . . . what lies ahead?
Hey, Willie, thanks for the critique, I will keep this in mind!
ReplyDeleteThe verse came from Dylan’s, “Subterranean Homesick Blues” –
"Twenty years of schoolin’ and they put you on the day shift.”
“Look out kid It’s somethin’ you did God knows when But you’re doin’ it again.”
LOL, I probably will.
.
Hello Willie,
ReplyDeleteYes, yes, yes - good changes all. Your "shine" does much more than my "storm" ever could.
Cheers,
Sandra
# 148 /Ha / 15
ReplyDeleteWell. it could have 'rained', which might have been in keeping; maybe a "falling thing" better saved for later?
pigeons in pinstripes
scatting across
the canvas squares
... gendai
does it shine, also
on the Sea of Tranquility? {provisional)
... cutural: music
the grape tomatoes
we leave uncut
... shasei
What can I say? It's dinner time.
pigeons in pinstripes
ReplyDeletescatting across
the canvas squares
does it shine, also
on the Sea of Tranquility?
**
me & you
right here now
with trillions of stars
the hum of
this starry night
has many names
i keep forgetting.....
ReplyDeleteboth of the above - shasei
# 151 / Ha / 14
ReplyDeleteAack! Can you tell I've been distracted? Three lines, dummy . . . some issues on the academic front to resolve; a private matter, really.
A walk this morning, unseasonably warm, temperatures above freezing, and the birds singing as if it were Spring.
Religion:
city street
I share my last tobacco
with an indigenous man
Naw . . .
the bar's all closed
a mandala found
in the sick on the street
nope . . .
Sunday morning
a mandala found
in the sick on the street
uh uh . . .
after we say grace
our grape tomatoes
we leave uncut
strangely acidic . . . sour, even?
this cold morning
I share my last tobacco
with a man on the street
kinda sorta . . . Thoughts?
hi, willie
ReplyDeletethis cold morning
I share my last tobacco
with a man on the street
sorta... just curious, why not sharing instead of 'i share'
in the storefront window
her psychic readings sign half lit
:-)
# 153
ReplyDeleteAye, Pat, smoooths it out a bit . . . noted: 'I' - 'my'.
in the palm reader's window
her "psychic" sign
just half-lit
Dig it! Santeria . . .
from his lips to her ears before he said it
ReplyDelete# 155
ReplyDeleteCheck this out:
pigeons in pinstripes
scatting across
the canvas squares
... gendai
does it shine, also
on the Sea of Tranquility?
... cultural: music
in the palm reader's window
her "psychic" sign
just half-lit
... religion
The Station Agent
fresh out of tickets to sell
... film
i like it, playful!
ReplyDelete??? just ??? preceding half lit.
in the palm reader's window
her "psychic" sign
half-lit
hummm... should be a two-liner :-|
I think I'm gonna be sad,
ReplyDeleteI think it's today yeah.
The girl that's driving me mad
Is going away, yeah.
"a ticket to ride"
beatles
talk to ya later, willie.
Yeah, a two-liner, fer sure, though if we can pump it up, some wonderful linking.
ReplyDeleteYes, a playful, maybe cynical response to the spiritual quest I feel in the 'sea', yet rebutted by the 'agent's' suggestion of moral bankruptcy, a loss of faith, maybe.
Ever see "The Station Agent"? About a "little person's" withdrawal from society, who meets another lost soul, plus some quirky characters who draw him out of his solitude. Redemption, perhaps, in asearch for meaning in existence.
You have my vote for this! :)))
ReplyDeletepigeons in pinstripes
scatting across
the canvas squares
... gendai
does it shine, also
on the Sea of Tranquility?
... cultural: music
in the palm reader's window
her "psychic" sign
just half-lit
... religion
The Station Agent
fresh out of tickets to sell
... film
Almost forgot - the addition of "just" for purposes of metre and cadence.
ReplyDeleteOther suggestions, please?
Here we go . . .
ReplyDeletepigeons in pinstripes
scatting across
the canvas squares
... gendai
does it shine, also
on the Sea of Tranquility?
... cultural: music
a "psychic" sign
in the palm reader's window
just half-lit
... religion
The Station Agent
fresh out of tickets to sell
L1 of both 15 and 16 have a similar sound, so at least I varied the articles here . . .
I'd like to reshape the 'Agent', but it might have to stay - I'll read it out loud.
That sounds OK! Whaddya think of this, Pat? Honest answer - we all pals here.
Very interesting commentary!
ReplyDeleteYou have touched on the feeling of cynicism floating through the links that continues to make itself know. I suspect that’s why Dylan’s “Subterranean Homesick Blues” surfaced in my mind. Along with melancholy, a spiritual quest cannot be denied. In the opening verse, the bristlecone pine perched between heaven and earth offers a glimpse of the dilemma. The wind, not graspable - and yet, and yet.
All of this is the long way around to say, I get what yr sayin’. The three verses work wonderfully together. I wish the ‘psychic’ verse was better… the word ‘just’ ??? and the opening ‘a’. I understand, ‘the’ cannot be used again because of “the station agent”. Sorry to say, I have no solution.
I humbly offer these opinions, as I know very little about writing renku.
BTW “The Station Agent”, a favorite movie of mine.
# 163 / Kyu / 17
ReplyDeleteThanks, Pat. If you haven't already learned, I'm a stickler for rhythmic consonace in linking verses. Stick around and you will, much to your satisfaction, or your chagrin! it may not always be how clever we may be in our phrases, but a musicality in verse can make an average verse more pleasurable.
Of course, as sabaki, there are some seemingly totalitarian powers involved. So everyone get down and give me 20!
Wait - strike that - how about just six? Verses, that is . . .
Politics - Art - Literature - two Shasei and one Gendai - all that remain.
Our final side, Kyu, will finish quickly, a "fast close" - verses that don't encourage the mind to wander, unambiguous and certain, bravely and intrepidly to a final, sometimes celebratory note, one that might culminate in a statement, about this collaboration and what has gone before, in itself. Consider also a possible blossom verse in the penultimate position.
This has been the most exciting and pleasurable collaboration I've ever been involved in. For that, i owe you all my deepest gratitude.
Ki-yai! Degachi - we remain competitive!
does this help:
ReplyDeletesign for a Psychic
in the tattoo parlour window
only half-lit
My reason for changing the scene slightly is the "professional" overlap between pyschic and palm reader and that, to my pedantic mind, palm reader, as an adjective, needs to be hyphenated ... resulting in 2 hyphens!
Sorry, if it's all a crimson smelly fish
chestnut leaves
ReplyDeletefall onto her portrait
still wet
art
wild brumbies leap
over cracked corral bars
to paddock freedom
shasei
zoom-shifting
this way, and that
with invisible lenses
gendai
does it shine, also
ReplyDeleteon the Sea of Tranquility?
... cultural: music
a "psychic" sign
in the palm reader's window
just half-lit
... religion
The Station Agent
fresh out of tickets to sell
-
line after line
and his face becomes
escher-like
Are your tattoists licensed to read palms? Sorry, a poor joke - I'm afraid I've never seen palm reader hyphenated. I have seen a Psychic sign in a palm reader's window, or vice-a-versa. I think we were able to clean up with the substitution of "only".
ReplyDeleteMy son just got a tattoo, a re-creation of a Hiroshige print, "Swallow and Bamboo". The tattoo artist did a beautiful job.
black on black
ReplyDeletepainting his way
back to the beginning
art / Ad Reinhardt
the shapeshifter
paints her life
kaleidoscope blue
gendai
twirling light inside
the maple seed touches down
shasei
her hand-painted sign
“psychic readings 4 free”
hanging by one hinge
for willie & sandra ;-)
ps sandra, thanks for the word only, to my ears it works better
hmmm... a reworking or two
ReplyDeletethe lines of his face
become
escher-like
up above
an escher-like
grid of powerlines
that 'escher-like' is bugging me. I may have to abandon it and try again later tonight!
Right- right, Ash. The metre, lad, the metre.
ReplyDeleteGo to TRG, saved discussions and resources , saved geocities web -
basho and his crew - so simple, so eloquent . . .
Yeah, definitely not happy with it for those reasons (and others hahaha)
ReplyDeleteAh yes, indeed! I love the 'Chaser' sequence over there
Ok, one more try before I sleep
a "psychic" sign
in the palm reader's window
just half-lit
... religion
The Station Agent
fresh out of tickets to sell
-
there's no rush
to get paint
on the fingertips clean
Oy! Way back in the beginnin' I was tryin' ta bring out Mr. E and 'is great fancy drawin'. Bollocks!
ReplyDeleteThas' righ', all I could conjure was bulldust. Shameful, it was, bloody, floggin' Escher . . .
# 171 / Kyu / 17
. . . ooh! musta been a dream! i was in a redundant argument with an art instructor who couldn't admit to a mistake - an 'A' grade at stake, she'd answer with total ambiguity to my pleas of logic. I grabbed my work and ran through the campus, chased by security guards who wanted to admonish me as though I were some child, writing sheaves of tickets for smoking on the campus. The hallways were an endless and confusing maze - it seemed I ran in circles for hours, clutching 8 x 10 photos of dead flowers in B & W under my arm, a solo shisan gripped between my teeth, running past doors that would slam shut as I approached, counselors and administrators staring blankly through the glass, their mouths sewn shut and hands over their ears. The students I passed were all in chains, wearing pitiable expressions, empty pockets turned out, weighed down by enormous books with blank pages, their bodies bending under the strain.
Suddenly, I was able to break out through an open door, but, in the distance, a man in black stood making eloquent, though empty gestures of "hope and change". I screamed in terror, though no sound would come out. As each word emanated from the man's charismatic features, they rose like birds, only to turn into carnival glass and fall on the bituminous parking lot, smashing into millions of meaningless pieces.
With one last, great effort, I turned slightly to the right, only to step upon a giant tortoise, who stood on another tortoise, who stood on another, who stood on another, who stood . . . sinking into oblivion, I shouted these reproachful words that echoed upwards toward a vanishing point of light, " but there is no list, there is no list . . . !"
It's my dream - my nightmare.
a Psychic sign
in the palm reader's window
only half-lit
... cultural: religion
The Station Agent
fresh out of tickets to sell
... cultural: film
black on black
painting his way
back to the beginning
... art
the shapeshifter
paints her life
kaleidoscope blue
... gendai
twirling light inside
the maple seed touches down
... shasei
chestnut leaves
fall onto her portrait
still wet
... art
wild brumbies leap
over cracked corral bars
to paddock freedom
... shasei
zoom-shifting
this way, and that
with invisible lenses
... gendai
the lines of his face
become
escher-like
up above
an escher-like
grid of powerlines
there's no rush
(there's isn't a rush)
to get paint
on the fingertips clean
... art
I have to stand back and look at this awhile in the beautiful light of dawn.
# 173 / Kyu / 17
ReplyDeleteWe'll wait a bit to see if there any more offers.
in the abandon studio
ReplyDeletepaintings remain
anonymous
she brings a book
ReplyDeleteto read during the game-
Baseball Haiku
:)
Vida, you brought a big smile to my face!
ReplyDeleteGlad I did, Pat :))
ReplyDelete# 178 / Ha / 17
ReplyDeleteA long day past, full of hope and despair in increments great and small. Every day I realize more how the composition of renku is so akin to life. Has anyone noticed how much closer our little party of vagabond poets hasa become? I surely have. I only hope I haven't delayed our momentum to the "quick close" we desire.
I've chosen these verses as best representative of a straightforwardness, least likely to wander into ambiguity or confusion to the reader, yet logically related to maeku and uchikoshi:
black on black
(he paints) painting his way
back to the beginning
... art
(high, high up)up above
an escher-like
grid of powerlines
... art
there's no rush
(there isn't a rush)
to get paint
on the fingertips clean
... art
as for the musings on possible edits in the verse:
"he paints" may be more relative to the character, while 'painting' might suggest a different character hence unknown, perhaps distracting to the reader. We intend to go briskly to the finish if past guidelines are perfunctionary to the form. The other two are measures taken to add length since maeku is twelve syllables long already. The detail will be in how they read and move rhythmically.
All three still have a hint of yugen, or mystery, for lack of a better definition. All three carry some some suggestion of emotion, from the "black", an emptiness carried over and implied, to "powerlines", hopelessness, powerless- ness, even, in the face of such complexity, to the quiet resignation of life's indignities in "fingertips". This is tough - we have to consider our endgame - one of a celebratory nature, and a wisdom culminating from the realization of "all things" that have gone before. Whew - still wavering, I think I will choose . . . to consider further.
black on black
(he paints) painting his way
back to the beginning
I detect a willingness to continue a search for meaning, an existenstial quest, if you will, a motion to carry on.
(high, high up)up above
an Escher-like
grid of powerlines
although suggestive of the daunting tasks we face day to day, does a certain question of the spiritual nature of man show here in the face of the difficulty of living? The statement seems more open-ended, maybe more likely to cause a pause to the reader, yet in itself a more matter of fact observation.
Another look at things as they are, i believe the openendedness of Escher leaves us more opportunity to explore this journey, providing a greater diversity of options to follow.
We might do well to consider politics to follow, but that is only a suggestion.
One other point about Ash's verse is it's exposition of a simple thing in light of the emotion implied in maeku. Yes - an open yet diminutive verse, common in its familiarity yet defining so many possibilities to follow.
ReplyDeleteAsh, let me know if the additional word is alright with you.
As for what's to follow, two shasei topics are available still as well as gendai. The political question may be one simply to avoid for ageku. consider, also - wouldn't it be grand to have blossom in the penultimate position? Anything is possible, team!
# 180 / Kyu / 18
ReplyDeleteAnd, on that note, I'd like to nominate this verse in hand for consideration of our next selection:
twirling light inside
the maple seed touches down
... shasei
We remain open for candidates in a competitive mode, also.
The Station Agent
ReplyDeletefresh out of tickets to sell
high up above
an Escher-like grid
of powerlines
at twilight hydrangeas
the very essence of blue
- shasei
picking hydrangeas
I rub one against my cheek
- shasei
a new orchid spike
I let out a whoop
- shasei
Best wishes to all for a merry Christmas and a peaceful New Year,
Sandra
bribery and sleaze
ReplyDeletein raging optic fibres
politics? Gendai?
jasmine strangles
the television aerial
shasei
hovering above the hum
and hakea
shasei
her magnolia grandiflora
spears azure
shasei
~
Peace and Love
the jay's blueness flies
ReplyDeletefrom the red berries
the jay's blueness flying
from the red berries
the jay's blueness
gone from the red berries
:-/
shasei
Fantastic, Willie - that extra word alters the reading rhythm to compensate what was bugging me about 'Escher-like.' It reads much better now and my doubts are washed away by your discussion of it, awesome, thanks!
ReplyDeletehis radio voice
ReplyDeletetalking about the blue jay sky
ash,
love the choice of your verse.
& yes, great commentary!
The Station Agent
ReplyDeletefresh out of tickets to sell
high up above
an Escher-like grid
of powerlines
the imprint from a flattened
snowdrop on the last page
-literature
the scent of cilantro
in my old umbrella
-gendai?
Happy Holidays :))))
# 187 / Kyu / 18
ReplyDeleteOur momentum to the finish is alive and well! Wonderful offers all!
The Station Agent
fresh out of tickets to sell
... cultural: film
high up above
an Escher-like grid
of powerlines
... art
(a) radio voice
talking about the blue jay sky
... politics
Pat has removed any doubt of the political question becoming a hitch in the flow to a conclusion. Another "person" verson flanking a simple scene, this may have broken a "rule" of avoidance, though it's been said rules are made to be broken. I'd like to de-personalize the voice slightly to alter the shift so as to lessen the chances of a recall to our 'Agent" by use of an indefinite article.
We have a number of "plant" verses in the poem already, so consider this in further offers, although I'd like to save all up our sleeve for possible use in ageku.
two shasei, one gendai, one literature to draw from. Tough choices remain. "Choose wisely", is an addage fitting to our endgame.
Sorry Willie, my set of candidates was based on a misunderstanding - I thought you were calling for a blossom verse!
ReplyDeleteApologies.
Not at all, Sandra. Perfectly acceptable. No need to apologize. Heck, in retrospect, I wondered after the inclusion of another "bird" reference. The score is now Animals 4, Plants 3, I believe, if we're keeping track. As a follower of Man Utd FC, I'd like to see a verse about Red Devils!
ReplyDeletebruised, abused…
ReplyDeletethe same the whole
world over
literature
howdy doody searches
for free swords
in each pack
gendai
crackle, crackle
Araucana eggs sizzle
away the day
shasei
Peace and Love
barbara,
ReplyDeletei needed to look up the word 'Araucana'...ahhhh, the color of the eggs, nice!
'crackle' denoting a distant radio signal, too.
ReplyDelete# 193 / Kyu / 19, 20
ReplyDeletehigh up above
an Escher-like grid
of powerlines
... art
(a) radio voice
talking about the blue jay sky
... politics
crackle, crackle
Araucana eggs sizzle
away the day
... shasei
the scent of cilantro
in my old umbrella
... gendai
Here's an interesting mock-up of a two verse addition. By my count this scenario would leave us one shasei and one Lit. verse remaining. Any mention of "falling things" - rain, snow, sleet, hail, etc. would be right out for consideration in ageku. Remember, also, it would be swell to have a blossom, as on a woody, fruit bearing tree, immediately to follow, perhaps even flower, as Sandra's fine offers before have reminded us.
We really could use your ideas and input on these suggestions.
(a) radio voice
ReplyDeletetalking about the blue jay sky
... politics
crackle, crackle
Araucana eggs sizzle
away the day
... shasei
the scent of cilantro
in my old umbrella
... gendai
a blossom angel
under the ussurian pear
slowly disappearing
(in disarray)
a radio voice
ReplyDeletetalking about the blue jay sky
... politics
crackle, crackle
Araucana eggs sizzle
away the day
... shasei
the scent of cilantro
in my old umbrella
... gendai
in a zen garden
the butterfly finds the
only dandelion
... shasei
in winter rains
the thinnest of pink petals
layered against the cold
... shasei
Good morning!
ReplyDeleteI take that as you've taken my suggested verse allocations to heart! Remember, we can always make adjustments - perhaps the important thing is to keep moving forward.
I have to go see a man about a horse - I'll return later today. Thanks for your confidence; I'll post the two verses so you can give them the once over. Feel free to comment, anytime. That's what a collaboration is all about.
. . . so the poet set out
ReplyDeletefor an imaginary hut in the
spring snow
... shasei
Thanks, Pat!
ReplyDeleteLove this one of yours
in winter rains
the thinnest of pink petals
layered against the cold
I like what you've done to bring the umbrella and the eggs together, Willie, great choice
We may want to consider remaining season-less, as we have no direct references to seasons so far. We've actually traded topics of season for those of direct historical and contemporary culture allusion. Meaning no insult of course, but it might seem odd to change now. Blossom itself could imply season, or reference by adjective, which might add flavor to emotional impact. Rain itself is seasonless, in some respect, depending on location.
ReplyDeleteToo much cilantro can spoil a good taco, Ash.
ReplyDelete